Luke made some very profound statements on the morning of his third birthday. He was sitting in bed and said three things to me that have stuck with me for years. One of these was "When I am five I will go to Kindergarten and I will ride the bus without you." Well that day is here. Even though I had five and a half years to prepare for it, I still don't think I was ready.
We have been prepping for Kindergarten for a while now. Pre-K last year talked about it everyday--about going to school five days a week, homework, independence, etc. We talked about it all summer. We went clothes shopping and organized school supplies. We went shopping for things to put in his lunch box. I started having flashbacks of Luke's first week of life. . .
Five and a half years ago my sweet Luke was born. They told me he had a broken clavicle. I didn't cry. They told me he was breathing funny. I called them idiots and I didn't cry. He didn't latch on to eat for days. I was frustrated but I didn't cry. I gave him a bottle and he was eating so fast he forgot to breathe and turned blue. I scolded him, told him he would get himself in trouble acting like that. I didn't cry. When the pediatrician called me at home to tell me his bilirubin was too high and he needed to be admitted to the intensive care unit immediately, I started crying. The flood gates had finally opened. I had been sitting in the nursery rocker, trying to coax Luke to eat when the phone rang. After the pediatrician said "26" the tears started coming and there were no more words. Gene came in and took the phone out of my hands, reassured the doctor we were on our way, and started gathering our things. I just cried. We put Luke in the car seat and I sat in the back next to him and cried. It was raining like a monsoon and the roads were flooded. I remember not being able to even see where we were going. Gene was trying to be calm and strong and I was falling apart. I cried at the hospital when they took our information and walked us up to the NICU. I handed him over to the nurse and stepped back out of her way. When they shot his chest x-ray the nurse held his arms up over his head and a sob caught in my throat hearing the way he screamed when they manipulated that broken collar bone. Another nurse, trying to be kind, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "its okay honey. It's just an x-ray. It doesn't hurt him." I wanted to slap her because she didn't know MY baby and it DID hurt him. I cried off and on for days. We would go home from the hospital and I would start planning when to go back. It was still raining. Our street was flooded. We tried to go to him and had to turn around because the water in the road was too high. So I would cry.
That is how I felt the weekend before the first day of Kindergarten. Crying off an on over anything. We had some stressful events happen at meet the teacher night and I thought to myself "this is why people homeschool."
Over the weekend, our dog nipped at Luke. He is partially blind and completely high strung and he got spooked. It was the third time he has nipped to draw blood, but we weren't hanging around for a fourth. On Monday, he moved in with my parents. We've had him since he was a puppy and since before we were married. He is a good dog, a faithful dog. I miss him.
I took Luke to school Monday morning and walked him to his class. When the teacher dismissed the parents I gave him a hug and a kiss and left before he saw my tears. I didn't go to the kiss and cry breakfast because that would only make things worse. I went home. Will was at Grammy's house. The house was so quiet. No children, no dog, and I didn't have anything scheduled to do. I ended up aimlessly driving around town. I went to stores where I didn't need anything and didn't buy anything. I would go to two or three stores and then come home. The quiet would get to me again so I would find another few stores to go to. I think I came home and left at least three times that day.
I will address Luke's experience of Kindergarten in the next post, this one is about me.
I guess I am having Kindergarten grief. I am done with the constant crying and have moved on to anger and jealousy. This week without him has seemed so terribly long. Even with Will around, we both look at each other and think about Luke. I am starting to think, "Why do they get him for so many hours? They get him FORTY hours a week! EIGHT hours a day! I only see him awake for FOUR hours a day. This is unfair. He's MY baby. This is why people homeschool." I miss him so much. I didn't expect this feeling. If it weren't for Will, I might just stand at the bus stop all day waiting for him to come home. He won't even let me make his lunch anymore--he has bought cafeteria every day.
On the flip side--Will and I are having fun with one-on-one time. He is so sweet and giggly, it is what gets me through my day.
I know that in another week or so I won't feel this way about Luke going off to school. It was an emotion that took me unexpectedly. I thought I was SOOO ready for school to start. Going from the three day week to the five day week makes for a long week. Bottom line though, Luke is having the time of his life. He loves it. He smiles when he gets on the bus and smiles when he gets off the bus. Oh, the bus. . . that's for the next post.